Feel Frustrated With Your Team? Here’s the Leadership Skill That Changes Everything

Why emotional steadiness matters more than confidence, charisma, or control.

This week in the therapy room…

A client shared something with me he hadn’t said out loud in over twenty years.

His voice trembled as he stumbled through the words.
You could feel the weight of it before he even spoke.

There’s a kind of silence that comes before moments like this,
A silence that says:
This one is going to matter.

And in my work, moments like that happen more often than you’d think.

Because whether I’m with a client in my clinic room, a boardroom, or a corner office with a skyline view…

Status doesn’t insulate you from emotional pain, especially the kind stored in the nervous system.

No matter how much you try to suppress it, outrun it, or outwork it…

The body remembers.

When pressure reactivates the past

And it doesn’t just show up in therapy sessions.

It shows up in pressure.
In conflict.
In the moments where you feel irrationally angry, or deeply unsettled by something “small.”

When someone misses a deadline and it feels like rejection.
When you’re offered feedback and it lands like an attack.
When your team underperforms and your first instinct is to shut down, or blow up.

That’s not a character flaw.

That’s the nervous system whispering: “We’ve been here before.”
It’s trying to protect you.

But protection isn’t always what leadership calls for.

Sometimes, leadership calls for presence.
For staying in the moment, instead of being pulled back into an old one.

And that’s where emotional steadiness becomes your superpower.

Feel it. Deal with it. Lead anyway.

Over the years, I’ve had to learn how to feel deep emotion without being swallowed by it.

Not because I’ve mastered detachment.
But because I’ve learned the practice of staying steady in the storm.

You have to feel.
And you have to deal.

To empathise, you have to feel it.
But to lead, you have to manage it.

That’s not easy. Especially if no one ever taught you how.

It’s not about bottling it up.
Or rising above it.

It’s about building just enough space between the trigger and the response,

So you can choose who you want to be in that moment, and what you want out of the conversation.

And that’s the muscle I help leaders train every week.

The difference between a snap and a shift

Take one of my clients, let’s call him James.

James leads a fast-moving team.
Bright. Charismatic. And human just like the rest of us.

Lately, one of his team members had been slipping.
Missed details. Repeated mistakes.

He came into our session visibly agitated.

“I’ve explained this clearly. I don’t know if they’re not listening or just not capable, but I don’t have time to babysit.”

Totally fair.

But what we unpacked together was this:

Yes, the behaviour needs addressing.
But his emotional state was driving the urgency, and narrowing the options.

Because when we’re emotionally flooded, we tend to default to one of three things:

• Blame

• Control

• Coldness

None of those create learning.
They create fear, withdrawal, or performance driven by pressure, not growth.

Correction without connection won’t land

So I offered him a new principle:

Connection before correction.

You can’t coach someone if they feel threatened.
You can’t guide someone if they feel misunderstood.

And if the issue is a skill gap, and you need their brain open to learning?
Leading with fear will only make it worse.

So we reframed the approach.

Instead of going in hard with “Here’s what needs to change”, James tried:

“Help me understand.”
“What do you need from me to get this right?”
“How can I support you to succeed here?”

And something shifted.

The team member didn’t just comply, they engaged.
They opened up.
They grew.

Where I mess this up constantly

Let’s be honest, emotional steadiness isn’t something you master and move on from.

I still get triggered.
Still react before I reflect.
Still find myself reaching for control when what’s actually needed is connection.

Take this week:

• My son refused to eat the dinner I’d cooked after a long day of clients and back-to-back Zooms. I was running on empty. And I muttered something sharp that had nothing to do with fish fingers and everything to do with feeling unappreciated.

• My daughter screamed the house down when I said no to ice cream before bed. I tried logic. I tried calm. And then, if I’m honest, I quietly lost it into a tea towel.

• My wife was distracted with the kids when I really needed to talk. I felt ignored. Not intentionally but still… instead of saying something useful, I shut down. 

So yes, I teach emotional regulation for a living.
And I still get it wrong. Often.

But here’s what’s changed over the years:

I catch it more often than not.
And when I do, I catch it faster.

What used to take hours of rumination or guilt now takes minutes.
Sometimes seconds.

I know how to pause.
I know how to name what’s happening underneath the reaction.
And I know how to communicate it, clearly, calmly, and in real time.

Things don’t stew.
They don’t snowball.
And they rarely spill over into the next conversation.

And here’s the key thing for anyone who leads:

The same emotional skill that helps me reset with my family
is the same muscle that keeps difficult conversations on track at work.

Because whether it’s your child refusing dinner or your colleague missing a deadline,
the real work is exactly the same:

• Notice the emotion

• Create enough space to respond

• Lead forward with clarity instead of reactivity

That’s the skill that needs constant work…

And it’s the skill that changes everything. 

The Feel-and-Deal Reset

A mindset reset for leaders, parents, and humans under pressure.

1. Pause
Take one breath. Focus on the exhale.
(A micro-moment to reset your nervous system.)

2. Name it
Identify what you're feeling.

“I’m feeling… tense / overwhelmed / underappreciated / cornered.”
(Name it to tame it.)

3. Regulate
Shift the physical state.

Drop your shoulders. Unclench your jaw. Breathe. Move.
(Let your body lead your brain.)

4. Reframe
Ask yourself:

• What matters most here?

• What am I really trying to teach, show, or achieve?

• What’s the most effective way forward – for me and for them?

5. Lead with clarity
Make room for their voice before you offer yours.
Curiosity first. Clarity second.

Use declarative, invitational language that softens defensiveness and opens up dialogue.

Try:

“Help me understand what’s going on from your side.”
“I’m feeling [insert emotion] about this – and I want to work through it together.”
“What support would help you do this differently?”
“Let’s figure out what needs to happen next.”

These aren’t just softer phrases – they’re strategic choices.
They shift the dynamic from pressure to partnership.
From reactivity to resolution.

Final thought: This is what real leadership looks like

Emotional steadiness isn’t about being perfectly composed.
It’s about noticing what’s happening inside you
and choosing not to let it hijack what matters most.

Because your nervous system leads long before your strategy does.

When you lead with presence, with self-awareness, with steadiness
you create psychological safety.
You model resilience.
You build trust.
And you bring out the best in others.

You become the kind of leader - at work or at home -
who doesn’t just get things done...
You help people grow.
You lead in a way that lasts.

Even if, sometimes, you still lose your cool over fish fingers.